Salam and hi.
Suddenly, it's December. 2018 is just in a few days!
This year, a lot had happened. I went through so many ups and downs this year. 2017 is the year I turned 24. Throughout this year, although maaaany things had happened, I had mixed feelings on each event. I could say that this year is the year I hit rock bottom, but also the year that means a lot to me, a year that I am blessed a lot.
By the end of last year, I had decided to get married on July this year. So, throughout the earlier part of the year, I had always have mixed feelings. It was my last phase of being a single lady. In everything I do, I always had a mindset of "I better enjoy this now, as it may be difficult to do this when I get married". and without me realizing, I thought about it too much that it burdened me.
In everything I do, I would think about what would happen after I got married. Or if I really am getting married. Now I know why people said the engagement phase is a test. Because it was quite a tough one. Some days I would be positive, but on many days, I had many negative thoughts. Especially after consuming failed marriage stories on twitter, facebook, IIUM confession, etc.
Then I also arrived to a phase where I am adulting. I need to really be independent, was what I thought. Nobody told be to be reliable or dependable, but I just felt that I had to. Especially when it comes to financial issue because college and marriage requires a lot of money, and I didn't want to burden both my parents and my then fiancé. However, when I feel that I have failed being reliable, I would be so disappointed of myself.
The thoughts of being a disappointment, not being ready to get married, not being able to achieve what I wanted, brought me to depression. I could not focus on my study. My procrastination level had increased. On some days, I would only sit in my room and cry. I was too afraid of the future.
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| went to Balai Cerap alone to clear my mind |
On March, I met a counselor. I met him every week for a month. I sought for advice on how to overcome all of this. I followed the advice, and life began to be bright again. On the fourth week, I feel like I can finally focus on my study. So we decided to set that fourth appointment as the last.
However, things happened again and on May, I hit the final rock bottom. I could not focus on my study, I was too sensitive with people around me and it was very hard for me to accomplish my tasks. And I had tonnes of tasks to do! (especially because it was the end of the semester, so gotta wrap up for everything. assignment, research, organization, etc)
Long story short, I dropped one course because I couldn't do the assignments, failed two courses because I wasn't able to focus, but I got an A+ in one course. Haha. So in my CGPA, only points for 2 courses was being calculated. One failure and one A+. My GPA was super bad, and my CGPA was just at the border. My supervisor said that if I was just 0.1 less, I would be exempted from my study.
Oh, plus, this happens just two to one months before my marriage, so can you imagine the pressure?
and another plus, I only shared this with two or three people. I was too embarrased to tell most of my friends and family members about this. I did a lot throughout the years, so others may thought that I was living my life well. but in actuality, I was doing a lot just to distract my mind from the negative thoughts.
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| Went to Starbucks alone, also to clear my mind, although this time I don't have much money left XD Had a little sweet time here because the Caramel Latte is good, and the barista spelled my name correctly! |
At the end of the semester, I met my supervisor a lot for consultation. Not only academics, but also personal one. Alhamdulillah, she gave me sooo many positive vibes. I felt like I could breathe again. So I started the semester break with a new energy and put everything that happened in that semester behind. I started to focus on my marriage, and spending time with my family.
Alhamdulillah, Allah ease sooo many things for my family and I just a month before my marriage. It felt a lot better. Allah ease things for us (my husband and I) also, so it was really a great sunshine, after the rain. I could be myself again. I was at the tip of happiness.
I got married to my husband on July 22, 2017. Then, had a reception on his side of the family on July 29. A week after, we had a honeymoon / company family trip at Tioman Island. Alhamdulillah, I was soo happy. Happier that now I have a husband and I can just share anything with him, anytime.
Sometimes, the past rock bottom would haunt me and I would suddenly cry again. But it wouldn't last long because my husband would comfort me.
I started the semester again, and this felt better than the previous one. Yes, the phase of rising again is quite challenging because I'm fighting against myself every time, but now I feel stronger because Allah has shown me that I have soo many blessings around me. In the past, I felt like I'm a burden to everyone including my parents, siblings friends and husband. Now, I realized that they loved me a lot; they, especially my parents and husband, would do anything just to make me happy.
I still have tasks to accomplish; tasks that I left behind last semester. and I know I still have to do them. I cannot just abandon them. But I don't know if I will be able to do them or not.. I hope I will, somehow, be able to do them, and do all my assignments and work, and do well in this semester.
Oh Allah, please lend me lots of strengths to finish all my work!
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It feels good to write again, and it feels best that I could write what I had been holding in my mind. I hope by writing this, the negative thoughts would be thrown away, to give more space to the positive thoughts.
I initially wanted to write a post on 2017 summary, but suddenly it became a 2017 reflection. lol. I guess I had to do this first, before appreciating the blessings I have this year. So that the positive memories remain. I need to give credits to many people too, for making my life colourful.
That's all.
Wassalam.
