Anyeong 2020

Akram is now 1 year and 8 months

Assalamualaikum.

It sure has been a long while. Since I'm kinda having a free time right now, I'll just write here.
It's a new year. My last post was also about welcoming a new year. 2019 was a year of uncertainties. But alhamdulillah everything has passed

• Got my first job in 2019. Alhamdulillah, target achieved.
• Graduated with Master's Degree! The convo was in April.
• Attended interviews to work in government sector. Got calon simpanan for one, and alhamdulillah succeeded for another.
• Handed in resignation letter for my first job to wait for the offer. Meanwhile, applied to work at other places too (because... we need salary, right?..)
• Got another job. Alhamdulillah. But just recently I got the result for government teacher position. So, I have handed in resignation letter again ;;

Herher. Weird phase, right? Keep switching jobs. I find it awkward too, to keep getting to know new people, to adapt to new places. But well, I think the experience will be priceless.

For my personal life,

• Moved into my parents' house again. Lol.
• Got pregnant again! 7 months earlier than planned but sokay, still excited.
• Didn't manage to do aqiqah for Akram last year, but alhamdulillah managed to do it this month because there's a flash sale. So alhamdulillah, it has been achieved :)

Angah (Akram's adik) has just turned 7 months. The biweekly check-up has just started, the baby movement monitoring has also started. Can't believe I'm at this phase already. Time passes by so fast.

But it feels slow when I'm working. Kehkeh.

For 2020, since it's still January and I still don't know where I will be posted, the future is still blurry. I have some plans with my husband but don't know if we can carry them out. Oh well. Just follow the flow.

Growing up, I do feel awkward that I can't see the future. When I was in school, I always know what to expect, since our timeline is uniformed under the same education system, but as soon as degree finished, everyone has their own path and pace. It was a struggle to keep adapting and accepting things that happened in my own life because it wasn't the same as other people's lol. But as time passes - and I think having a calm husband helps too - I can just follow the flow. So now I don't feel as panicked as I was before. Haha.

I guess I have nothing more to share.

May Allah ease everything for us, this year too.
May Allah bless.

See you when I see you, bloggie.

25 going on 26

Akram and I at the beginning of 2019

One of the dilemmas of the end-of-year borns is stating their current age. Should I put my age according to the current year or according to my birthdate? Haha. Hence, the title. That's my age for 2019.

Before I got married, I usually join the around-the-same-age group. However, things changed last year. I started participated in conference, so I met people of various age, mostly older than I am. I also joined fb groups for mothers and being married early, naturally, I met many new older people. I also started to be interested in listening to stories of people with more life experience. It's just... interesting. 

Early this year & month, there's this 10-year challenge and it made me go back to my 2009 memories. I was 16. So young and naive, enjoying my life with friends while trying hard to hide my feeling from my crush, tried many new things, doing my best in all activities I participated. I could say form 4 was my gloriest year during my secondary life.

How about in 2019?

Well, it has just begun, and I think I'm getting positive feelings this year. I know I will be tested more, but I have a feeling I can handle it much better than before. 

I must say that this positive vibe is gained through my encounters with positive older and wiser people, and my husband (boy, my husband has matured a lot since 10 years ago!). Their determination had given me strength to not give up easily and always do my best in any given situation. 

The 10-year challenge reminded me of the cheerful, adventurous, enthusiastic and active girl I was. And I'm aiming to be that kind of woman this year onwards. Rise after fall.  Keep rising. Keep going. Keep moving.

Things will be alright.
Because Allah is always with me :)

What matters is that I do my part well to achieve my dreams.

Anywaysss, my life progress:

• still pursuing master's. Still praying for the best result. It was quite a challenge to study with a baby, but I'm very grateful I can finish my project report & pass statistics subject! Both were truly challenging.
•  still loving every day being with my baby, Akram. He can now stands up while holding on to things or people. He's also making more sounds. Current favourite book: Freddie the Fire Engine. 
• still learning and improving to be a better wife. Still getting to know my husband. Still in love. 
• oh yes, since I kinda have a free time right now, I'm starting to tidying up our room. Adopting konmari method anywhere it fits. 
•  still doing proofreading and taking a bit translating (malay to english). Gotta finish them early.
• still learning and improving to be a better daughter for my parents...
•  has started to apply for jobs. Hoping for the best! 

Ok. Daz all. InsyaAllah I'll make 2019 a meaningful year for myself. This year, I will be more respobsible towards myself, so I can take care of others well too.

Alhamdulillah for everything that has happened in the past. 

Alhamdulillah for all the blessings.

May Allah guide us to the right path, always.

Time is long

Since I left school, I had always felt that time passed quickly. Suddenly, foundation year ended. Suddenly, degree ended. Then it felt much quicker once degree ended. Suddenly, many of my friends are married and expecting. Suddenly I'm married.

Then I got pregnant. Time began to pass much slower.
I was very conscious and concerned on every development I was going through.
"the baby is three months." "the baby is four months" "the baby is five months" etc
Time felt so long, maybe because I was longing to see the baby. Plus I focused much more on the present. I felt like I didn't want to lose any second.
Then it's time for delivery!
Akram was born. Then time passes much more slower.
There's new development in Akram every day/week. So it's exciting to see what he can do.
I'm still conscious and concerned on what's happening every day.
Still don't want to lose any moment of this.
Still enjoying the present.

Some friends & family members said "kejap je dah 9 bulan," "kejap je dah lahir"
But I didn't feel it was kejap. I waited long. I enjoyed and suffered (lol)  it long enough.

Akram's now 2 months, and still, some said "kejap je dah 2 bulan"
And I still don't feel it's kejap. It feels long.
And I truly enjoyed every moment of it.
(and also suffered long during pantang lol).


I don't know how can I feel this way. Maybe it's because I'm taking a break from study. I mostly stay home.. Doing the usual things (chores and nothing). I don't know..

But one thing for sure,
I feel happy.
Happy and contented.
I am happy I can enjoy every moment.
I am happy I can appreciate the present.
I am happy I'm starting to notice many blessings around me, and can get to see more bright sides of life.
I am happy I'm feeling more positive.

I am truly happy.

Alhamdulillah for this chance.
I hope even when I start studying again,
Even when I get more busy with life,
I can still focus more on the present, be appreciative and positive always.

Alhamdulillah.
Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli hal.

The Birth of Akram MS

Akram bin Muhammad Sofwan

is the name of our baby. He was born on the 21st of May and 5th of Ramadhan, at 2.24 a.m. at Hospital Sultan Ismail, Johor. Alhamdulillah, all is well.

The experience of giving birth is a remarkable one. As I reread my journal and the previous whatsapp on the day of the delivery, flashback of the night came through my mind. Can't believe that I had given birth. Can't believe that we have made it. Sometimes as I look at Akram, I can't believe that my husband and I already have a son! It hasn't been a year since we're married, but almost.

Nonetheless, alhamdulillah the labour process was smooth despite the super painful pain. Haha. The super painful part was the contraction, right before the push. The push part was not painful, but rather, it was super tiring. We checked in at the hospital at 11 p.m, I was sent to labour room at 12 a.m and the baby's out at 2.24 a.m. I think maybe the nurses helped me to give birth sooner because I was crying too loudly during the contraction haha. Glad I prepared myself to study the relaxation and breathing technique to handle pain, if not, it could be much worse.

The experience of confinement is also a remarkable one, though I''m still in the confinement period. I thought my body would recover quickly after birth, like "I'm finally getting my body back" feeling after pregnancy, but nooo, I felt more pain after giving birth. My body was very weak during the first week. I couldn't even sleep on my side because my shoulder and my arm would hurt. And I'm also feeling pain some more parts of the body like the labour wound, contraction and the breastfeeding pain. No wonder mothers are so great. Especially mothers of many children (my mom) because they experienced this repeatedly. Wuwu.

Although the pain was there, I can be happy now because Akram is well. My husband, parents and sisters are with me during this confinement period too so I'm very thankful to them. Many things can be done and I'm recovering well because they are here. Allah is making things easy for me. Alhamdulillah.

Anyway, today is Akram's 17th day (2 weeks, 3 days) and his development so far:

• He can smile when his name is being called (only happens when he's actively awake)
• He can make sounds other than crying. A short sound, like a sigh. But it wasn't frequent.
• He still don't have sleeping pattern. His sleeping duration varies around 1-4 hours.
• He drinks every 1, 2 or 4 hours, but mostly, every 2 hours.
• He farted (or maybe pooped) loudly, so easy to detect XD.

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Throughout pregnancy, I read surah Luqman and Maryam a lot. I read other surahs as well, but I think the two surahs moved me the most.

Surah Luqman tells about parenting and role of a child towards his parents. It was mentioned there that a mom is very weak during pregnancy and I could relate to the ayat so much. There were many times where I felt my body couldn't be as active and energetic as before. I missed several classes and events due to headache, body got easily tired and I easily cry too. The thought of having a baby inside me kept me rational and positive, other than the supports and love given by my family and friends.

Meanwhile, surah Maryam tells the experience of Maryam giving birth to Prophet Isa (Jesus). Labour was a very difficult process that even Maryam said (while enduring the pain) that maybe death is better for her. It was after that that Jibril came and helped her going the process of labour. While I was in labour, I was reminded of surah Maryam a lot. At that moment, it really felt like only Allah can help me. And the only thing that kept me positive is remembering that Allah is with me. He made us go through this, so it's possible to get through this. I hope I'd be that tawakkal towards Allah not only during labour, but throughout my whole life as well. Huhu.

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Parenthood is just beginning. Life is still going on after this. I still need to complete my masters. Then, will start job hunting. Hopefully things will be well, insyaAllah :)

Ramadhan is ending soon. May Allah accept our deeds and guide us towards being a better mu'min soleh and muslih. 

Daz all. Feels good to be blogging again.

My Wedding

Date: 22 July 2017
Day: Saturday
Solemnization: 9.00 a.m
Bride and groom entrance: 12.30 p.m
Venue: Dewan Serbaguna SMK Bandar Baru Uda

Salamz. Let's continue the story.

That morning, I woke up feeling fresh and.... not nervous. Really. I even did the makeup for my nieces before doing my own makeup. While I was doing one of my niece's makeup, suddenly Piah said that we need to get to the hall a.s.a.p because the imam/tok kadi was in a hurry. It was almost 8 a.m and I was not ready yet! My makeup was almost done, so I finished it quickly, put on my tudung quickly and luckily, my friends (bridesmaid) arrived early too. So they helped me doing the rest of the touch up. Then, off we went to the hall.

Getting readyyy

The fruits from the fruit basket fell XD

The bride and bridesmaids.

We reached the hall at around 8.30 a.m. And alhamdulillah, right at 9.00 a.m, the groom and the family arrived. That was the time I started to feel nervous. I'm really getting married! to Sofwan! He took his seat in front of the imam. After the brief khutbah by imam, abah took charge for the solemnization. Abah said the lafaz, Sofwan answered, and after being verified by the witnesses, we're officially married :) Alhamdulillah.

During the solemnization. Abah looked sooo serious XD

The ring ceremony. Look at my awkward hand pose. Should've posed better.

Us with our parents. Wearing yellow were Sofwan's, pink were mine.

After the solemnization, we took family photo, and other photos, then greeted our relatives and friends who were already there. So happy that many came early to witness the solemnization. After that, Solehah the floor manager being an efficient one, told us to go back home quickly for the next session: the wedding parade (?). So we went back home to get ready, together with the best man (Arief), maid of honour (Hamizah) and photographer (Khai). Aaand went back to the hall for the grand entrance XD

Busy adjust apa tu..?

Pengantin with the pengapits

The grand entrance

Makan beradab. Ahmad was reciting the doa (the blurry figure at the back)

Suap-suap

 Then, the cake slicing ceremony

Yummyyy!

Welp! SOS. Need help from the baker to slice it XD

Suap-suap 2.0

After all those were done, we proceeded to entertaining the guests. Alhamdulillah I was sooo happy that many can come. My relatives, naqibah, former naqibah, usrahmates, usrahmates, school friends, asasi friends, UTM friends, ikhwah akhawat, my students, seniors, juniors, and even Sofwan's friends, colleagues and boss came.

I really appreciate them for coming. Be it near or from afar, they still spent their time to fulfill the invitiation. Now I know the feeling of pengantin who are happy to see their guests, especially close friends and relatives. haha. So gotta take wedding invitations seriously!

Then, we took more and more photos together.

Pengantin with groom's men and bridesmaids :)

2.0

With the bridesmaids a.k.a Beliebers. Masa ni Liyana dah balik. Wuu.
Nadiyah couldn't come but she was also wearing this dress at her event XD

with batchmates

More batchmates

With UTM Teslians Girlzz +1

With my naqibah. Her son was hiding at the back XD. Mubasyirr, mubassyirr..

My adik usrah <3

My students! Omg. Jauh derang datang.

Another group of students from another class. Sis so touched. sobs.

Sofwan's robotic students from STF with the teachers.

Roomies from Asasi; Emme & Qama <3

Actually there were many more pictures but I think that's enough for now. Haha. Nevertheless, I am very thankful that the wedding went smoothly. Very thankful towards my parents, siblings, uncles, aunties and cousins for helping a lot. Oh, my parents and siblings did not only used their energy, but they also contributed financially (monyet tutup muka). Alhamdulillah, thank you to them.

Alhamdulillah, I'm now married to Sofwan, my close friend from school. We're now husband and wife :)

Towards more happiness, adventure and milestones with you

and although I'm married, I'll always be their little girl. Thank you for everything, abamama <3

Alright. That's all for my sharing. May Allah bless this family, and us all.

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Wedding credits: - 
Photographer: @khairullahz (ig)
Bridal (Pelamin, hall setup & baju): @izanyacobbridal (ig)
Catering: alamak lupa. sebab mama yang handle XD
Telur Pindang: Telur Pindang Johor (fb)
Alas Meja & Kerusi: Masjid Jamek BBU
Doorgift: Beli dekat Cowboy Kulai, Nenek sponsor kerepek.
Bridesmaids: Beliebers
Sponsors: My cool siblings, parents, husband and myself

My Pre-Wedding

Salam.

I have been wanting to share this! Although 9 months have passed already, but I still want to write here, for the sake of memory. I mean, it's a big milestone. And before another big milestone comes (being a mommy), I should write about this first.

The Preparation

I learned a lot from the preparation of my sister, Piah's wedding, so I kinda knew what to prepare. In February 2017, I started designing the wedding invitation card and buying hantaran. I did those first because I thought I don't wanna be too busy later since the semester will start at February till early June. Looking back, I'm glad I made that decision because that semester was the worst semester I had been through. Was too complicated as I was studying, juggling with personal problem and also doing more preparation.

The wedding invitation card for my side

Alhamdulillah, by May 2017, everything had been decided. The venue, bridal, catering, photography, a part of doorgift had been settled. So the only things left to do after raya were buying doorgift, decoration for hantaran, dress fitting and distributing invitation card. I had started distributing the invitation card since Ramadhan because the wedding is on the final week of Syawal. Alhamdulillah, Allah had ease everything for us.

The Bachelorette Party

Several weeks before the wedding date, my girls (teslian) asked for a meet up. We met on the 14th of July and they brought ballooons! Wuuu, so touched. Thank you girlsss, for making your time (and money) for this.

Bajet malu

Le girlz; Teno, Epaa, Seha

And another one.
This time, Sufi Mikayla (Epaa's lil girl) was still in the tummy. 5 months ea.

 Although the meeting was quiet brief, I had a great time with them. Intan, who couldn't be there kirim salam lol. Then, after saying goodbye to them, I had to buy some food for home. Walked to KFC with those balloons. Very mencapub ya know. Haha. But nonetheless, the cashier girl congratulated me.

Another one was held by my group of best friends since secondary school (a.k.a the bridesmaids). It was on the day before my wedding day. They came to help out (or that's what I thought at first) and at first, since many had been settled, they hadn't got anything to do. Lul. But then, as evening came, suddenly there were things to do so they got to do something. 

Suddenly, Miza brought out a box of doughnuts, brownies and a flower bouquet!

Yummss

Bajet malu 2.0

The girlz ; Nadiah, Athirah, Hamizah.
This time, Liyana had just gone back home and Mina couldn't come because of an urgent family matter.

 Alhamdulillah :) very thankful to them. Look at my tired face. Haha. Tried to have good sleep several days before the wedding but failed miserably. Couldn't get rid of the eyebag, but thank God for makeup!

The Last Minute Preparation
During the final week of my single life, alhamdulillah, my relatives came a lot to help. and as the date got closer, my siblings from afar came too.

Inai Session. I applied this twice: two days before and a day before.
Hasanah and Piah helped me applied it.

The doorgift factory XD

My nephews and nieces with bags of doorgift at the back.

A day before the wedding was Kauthar's birthday!

We also had barbeque! By the brothersss

One thing I like about our family wedding is the family gathering. Everyone is busy helping a lot as there were lots of things to do. Oh, I remembered that that morning, we had a family meeting to finalize the flow of the wedding. Everyone in my siblings had to be in charge of something. They're the committee members. Hehe. I was the director, and appointed my younger sister, Solehah as the floor manager because she's reliable (and also single).

Abah and Mama would be busy on the wedding day as they would be the key persons to entertain the guests (tuan rumah kan). So, my brothers (Suhaib & Ahmad) were in charge of food, my sister Munah on the venue, Hasanah on the cake (because she baked it!), Safiah and husband on the pelamin and the money from guests, Hayat and Nuha on doorgift and Hanaa on kids. Haha. My brother in law, Mahizal was the MC, Suhail was on the technical part and my brother Ahmad recited the doa and selawat with my brothers in law.

That night, my sisters and I slept in the pengantin room and only the next morning we changed the bedsheet. Haha. Massive thanks to Piah for changing and ironing it!

To be continued on next post ;)

Reflection of 2017

Salam and hi.

Suddenly, it's December. 2018 is just in a few days!

This year, a lot had happened. I went through so many ups and downs this year. 2017 is the year I turned 24. Throughout this year, although maaaany things had happened, I had mixed feelings on each event. I could say that this year is the year I hit rock bottom, but also the year that means a lot to me, a year that I am blessed a lot.

By the end of last year, I had decided to get married on July this year. So, throughout the earlier part of the year, I had always have mixed feelings. It was my last phase of being a single lady. In everything I do, I always had a mindset of "I better enjoy this now, as it may be difficult to do this when I get married". and without me realizing, I thought about it too much that it burdened me.

In everything I do, I would think about what would happen after I got married. Or if I really am getting married. Now I know why people said the engagement phase is a test. Because it was quite a tough one. Some days I would be positive, but on many days, I had many negative thoughts. Especially after consuming failed marriage stories on twitter, facebook, IIUM confession, etc.

Then I also arrived to a phase where I am adulting. I need to really be independent, was what I thought. Nobody told be to be reliable or dependable, but I just felt that I had to. Especially when it comes to financial issue because college and marriage requires a lot of money, and I didn't want to burden both my parents and my then fiancé. However, when I feel that I have failed being reliable, I would be so disappointed of myself.

The thoughts of being a disappointment, not being ready to get married, not being able to achieve what I wanted, brought me to depression. I could not focus on my study. My procrastination level had increased. On some days, I would only sit in my room and cry. I was too afraid of the future.

went to Balai Cerap alone to clear my mind

On March, I met a counselor. I met him every week for a month. I sought for advice on how to overcome all of this. I followed the advice, and life began to be bright again. On the fourth week, I feel like I can finally focus on my study. So we decided to set that fourth appointment as the last.

However, things happened again and on May, I hit the final rock bottom. I could not focus on my study, I was too sensitive with people around me and it was very hard for me to accomplish my tasks. And I had tonnes of tasks to do! (especially because it was the end of the semester, so gotta wrap up for everything. assignment, research, organization, etc)

Long story short, I dropped one course because I couldn't do the assignments, failed two courses because I wasn't able to focus, but I got an A+ in one course. Haha. So in my CGPA, only points for 2 courses was being calculated. One failure and one A+. My GPA was super bad, and my CGPA was just at the border. My supervisor said that if I was just 0.1 less, I would be exempted from my study.

Oh, plus, this happens just two to one months before my marriage, so can you imagine the pressure?

and another plus, I only shared this with two or three people. I was too embarrased to tell most of my friends and family members about this. I did a lot throughout the years, so others may thought that I was living my life well. but in actuality, I was doing a lot just to distract my mind from the negative thoughts.

Went to Starbucks alone, also to clear my mind, although this time I don't have much money left XD
Had a little sweet time here because the Caramel Latte is good, and the barista spelled my name correctly!

At the end of the semester, I met my supervisor a lot for consultation. Not only academics, but also personal one. Alhamdulillah, she gave me sooo many positive vibes. I felt like I could breathe again. So I started the semester break with a new energy and put everything that happened in that semester behind. I started to focus on my marriage, and spending time with my family.

Alhamdulillah, Allah ease sooo many things for my family and I just a month before my marriage. It felt a lot better. Allah ease things for us (my husband and I) also, so it was really a great sunshine, after the rain. I could be myself again. I was at the tip of happiness.

I got married to my husband on July 22, 2017. Then, had a reception on his side of the family on July 29. A week after, we had a honeymoon / company family trip at Tioman Island. Alhamdulillah, I was soo happy. Happier that now I have a husband and I can just share anything with him, anytime.

Sometimes, the past rock bottom would haunt me and I would suddenly cry again. But it wouldn't last long because my husband would comfort me.

I started the semester again, and this felt better than the previous one. Yes, the phase of rising again is quite challenging because I'm fighting against myself every time, but now I feel stronger because Allah has shown me that I have soo many blessings around me. In the past, I felt like I'm a burden to everyone including my parents, siblings friends and husband. Now, I realized that they loved me a lot; they, especially my parents and husband, would do anything just to make me happy.

I still have tasks to accomplish; tasks that I left behind last semester. and I know I still have to do them. I cannot just abandon them. But I don't know if I will be able to do them or not.. I hope I will, somehow, be able to do them, and do all my assignments and work, and do well in this semester.

Oh Allah, please lend me lots of strengths to finish all my work!

........................................

It feels good to write again, and it feels best that I could write what I had been holding in my mind. I hope by writing this, the negative thoughts would be thrown away, to give more space to the positive thoughts.

I initially wanted to write a post on 2017 summary, but suddenly it became a 2017 reflection. lol. I guess I had to do this first, before appreciating the blessings I have this year. So that the positive memories remain. I need to give credits to many people too, for making my life colourful.

That's all.

Wassalam.

Old wounds

If left untreated, it would be forgotten.

but once it has been touched again,
it hurts even more.

Imperfect

That's life
Even after we have gone through a lot, it won't ever be perfect.

We'll have our flaws
We'll discover others' flaws.
But that's just how we are.

What is our choice then?
Just live with them.

Hope for the better, but never expect.
Try our best and never expect.

The moment we expect too much, we'll be disappointed.

We don't know what Allah knows.

Time passes. Life changes.
Things won't ever be the same anymore.

Aliya,
You're not as good anymore.
Your ability changes. Your skills changes. Your thought changes. Your life changes.

Maybe worse, maybe better, I don't know.

What we can do know, is to just keep living, by looking at the bright side in everything.

Time passes,
and this, too, shall pass.

Always believe,
that the best is yet to come.

:)

Dedicated to myself luls.

Images from Google.