I have gone through Ramadhan for, um, a lot of times.
As I grow up and starts to think a lot, sometimes, during Ramadhan, I couldn't really feel the heat. Like, for example, sometimes I would become lazy to read more pages of Qur'an. astaghfirullah. or I would still be enjoying some lagha things *cough* especially during "some" season.
When I look back into my previous Ramadhan, I think the most memorable Ramadhan I had was when I was in form 2 in 2007. Since then, my other Ramadhans couldn't beat that 2007 Ramadhan yet. That Ramadhan was memorable because I could finish the whole 30 juz of the Qur'an, I made reflections a lot and I could do qiamullail a lot. (eh yeke? bolela). Then, there was one night where I woke up and felt very calm, and I could do qiamullail very khusyu'-ly. That was one of the best qiamullail I had ever had.
Then, the next year came, and I kinda expected that I would have the same kind of feeling during the next Ramadhan.
one Ramadhan passed.
another Ramadhan passed.
and another. and another.
and I still missed the 2007 Ramadhan.
It made me ponder a lot.
What has made my Ramadhan less special?
Well, yeah, one of the factors could be because of the sins (astaghfirullah).
but there should be something more.
I don't know how, but suddenly this year, it hits me that:
I couldn't really feel the excitement of Ramadhan,
because I didn't make the preparation in the first place!
I had prepared the mind set that Ramadhan was coming, but I made no preparation.
I didn't do practice, like, fasting weekly (sunnah), reading more pages of the Quran, and try harder to do more qiamullail. My daily ibadah was still the same.
Right on 1 Ramadhan, only then I started to read more Quran (from 4 pages daily to 1 juz daily), fast 1 month (maybe) straight and do lots and lots of prayers (plus the tarawih)! That was a vigorous exercise without a warm up. No wonder I felt tired. I felt less joyous. astaghfirullah.
Then, during the last 10 days, I started to regret that my amal hadn't satisfy me. Then Ramadhan passed and I felt less happy.
This suddenly hits me early this month, when Rejab was coming.
Why hadn't I realize this earlier?! *dush*
Now, Rejab is leaving, and Syaaban is coming. Next, it would be Ramadhan!
Hence, I reaaaaaaally hope that I would have the chance to experience Ramadhan again.
To make the best out of this Ramadhan.
and I'm trying to make the best preparation, by:
- reading the Quran more (at least half of juz daily, well, closer to 1 juz daily)
- fasting weekly
- do more qiamullail!
- and familiarize myself with more sunnahs
so that during Ramadhan, I can practice all those more khusyu'-ly.
of course, I need to have lots and lots of input so that my heart will always be pure. A pure heart is the key to have a good connection with Allah. hehe. insya-Allah.
Why should we make the best out of Ramadhan?
because it's the month Allah has prepared for us to build ourselves and to strengthen ourselves.
a month of tarbiyyah.
to prepare us to face the tests in the following 11 months successfully,
before meeting Ramadhan again.
that is, if Allah still gives us the chance.
let's prepare ourselves for Ramadhan!
You'll never feel the excitement, if you didn't do the preparation.
*and suddenly it hits me that the same logic applies to death. You'll never be excited to die to meet Allah, if you haven't done enough preparation. gulp.
*the same logic applies to exam. You'll never be excited to sit for an exam if you know you haven't studied. You'll feel brighter if you know you've studied!
*the same logic applies to presentation. You'll never be excited to do presentation if you haven't prepared a thing.
*k i should stop.
Allahumma ballighna Ramadhan..
Ya muqallibal quluub, thabbit quluubana 'ala deenika wa 'ala tho'atika.
P/S: is khusyu'-ly even a term? I'm sorry if I've ever destroyed the arabic word by merging English grammar into it, dear linguists.
P/P/S: Final exam is next week! Dear readers (if any), please pray for me.