Salam and hi.
Suddenly, it's December. 2018 is just in a few days!
This year, a lot had happened. I went through so many ups and downs this year. 2017 is the year I turned 24. Throughout this year, although maaaany things had happened, I had mixed feelings on each event. I could say that this year is the year I hit rock bottom, but also the year that means a lot to me, a year that I am blessed a lot.
By the end of last year, I had decided to get married on July this year. So, throughout the earlier part of the year, I had always have mixed feelings. It was my last phase of being a single lady. In everything I do, I always had a mindset of "I better enjoy this now, as it may be difficult to do this when I get married". and without me realizing, I thought about it too much that it burdened me.
In everything I do, I would think about what would happen after I got married. Or if I really am getting married. Now I know why people said the engagement phase is a test. Because it was quite a tough one. Some days I would be positive, but on many days, I had many negative thoughts. Especially after consuming failed marriage stories on twitter, facebook, IIUM confession, etc.
Then I also arrived to a phase where I am adulting. I need to really be independent, was what I thought. Nobody told be to be reliable or dependable, but I just felt that I had to. Especially when it comes to financial issue because college and marriage requires a lot of money, and I didn't want to burden both my parents and my then fiancé. However, when I feel that I have failed being reliable, I would be so disappointed of myself.
The thoughts of being a disappointment, not being ready to get married, not being able to achieve what I wanted, brought me to depression. I could not focus on my study. My procrastination level had increased. On some days, I would only sit in my room and cry. I was too afraid of the future.
|went to Balai Cerap alone to clear my mind|
On March, I met a counselor. I met him every week for a month. I sought for advice on how to overcome all of this. I followed the advice, and life began to be bright again. On the fourth week, I feel like I can finally focus on my study. So we decided to set that fourth appointment as the last.
However, things happened again and on May, I hit the final rock bottom. I could not focus on my study, I was too sensitive with people around me and it was very hard for me to accomplish my tasks. And I had tonnes of tasks to do! (especially because it was the end of the semester, so gotta wrap up for everything. assignment, research, organization, etc)
Long story short, I dropped one course because I couldn't do the assignments, failed two courses because I wasn't able to focus, but I got an A+ in one course. Haha. So in my CGPA, only points for 2 courses was being calculated. One failure and one A+. My GPA was super bad, and my CGPA was just at the border. My supervisor said that if I was just 0.1 less, I would be exempted from my study.
Oh, plus, this happens just two to one months before my marriage, so can you imagine the pressure?
and another plus, I only shared this with two or three people. I was too embarrased to tell most of my friends and family members about this. I did a lot throughout the years, so others may thought that I was living my life well. but in actuality, I was doing a lot just to distract my mind from the negative thoughts.
|Went to Starbucks alone, also to clear my mind, although this time I don't have much money left XD|
Had a little sweet time here because the Caramel Latte is good, and the barista spelled my name correctly!
At the end of the semester, I met my supervisor a lot for consultation. Not only academics, but also personal one. Alhamdulillah, she gave me sooo many positive vibes. I felt like I could breathe again. So I started the semester break with a new energy and put everything that happened in that semester behind. I started to focus on my marriage, and spending time with my family.
Alhamdulillah, Allah ease sooo many things for my family and I just a month before my marriage. It felt a lot better. Allah ease things for us (my husband and I) also, so it was really a great sunshine, after the rain. I could be myself again. I was at the tip of happiness.
I got married to my husband on July 22, 2017. Then, had a reception on his side of the family on July 29. A week after, we had a honeymoon / company family trip at Tioman Island. Alhamdulillah, I was soo happy. Happier that now I have a husband and I can just share anything with him, anytime.
Sometimes, the past rock bottom would haunt me and I would suddenly cry again. But it wouldn't last long because my husband would comfort me.
I started the semester again, and this felt better than the previous one. Yes, the phase of rising again is quite challenging because I'm fighting against myself every time, but now I feel stronger because Allah has shown me that I have soo many blessings around me. In the past, I felt like I'm a burden to everyone including my parents, siblings friends and husband. Now, I realized that they loved me a lot; they, especially my parents and husband, would do anything just to make me happy.
I still have tasks to accomplish; tasks that I left behind last semester. and I know I still have to do them. I cannot just abandon them. But I don't know if I will be able to do them or not.. I hope I will, somehow, be able to do them, and do all my assignments and work, and do well in this semester.
Oh Allah, please lend me lots of strengths to finish all my work!
It feels good to write again, and it feels best that I could write what I had been holding in my mind. I hope by writing this, the negative thoughts would be thrown away, to give more space to the positive thoughts.
I initially wanted to write a post on 2017 summary, but suddenly it became a 2017 reflection. lol. I guess I had to do this first, before appreciating the blessings I have this year. So that the positive memories remain. I need to give credits to many people too, for making my life colourful.